4 Types Of Emotionally Immature Parents
Emotionally immature parents share the common traits of being dismissive, selfish, self-involved, emotionally immature, and unavailable. They put their needs first and rely on their child to fill the gap and the void in their life. In her book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Dr. Gibson shares four types of emotionally immature parents and the direct negative impact on their children. She also offers hope for those who suffered to heal and grow.
Either parent - father or mother - can be an emotionally immature parent, they just might show up and act a bit differently. Both men and women suffer at the hands of these types of parents though they may react differently.
How you see yourself being raised by an emotionally immature parent
If you were raised by an emotionally immature parent, you might feel - as an adult that you remain angry, frustrated, betrayed, and lonely. In your relationships, you put your partners first - and others in life - forsaking your needs. This is a common feeling. Who wouldn’t be angry as they got older and started to realize this?
So, as an adult, it wouldn’t be uncommon for you to believe that there must be another reason why a person would want to be in a relationship with you, not just because of who you are. Because the focus was always on your parent, you experience a void when it comes to your sense of self, self-worth and self-esteem. You might ask, who am I anyway? What do I like? Why would anyone like me if I felt unloved and second to my parents?
You experience low self-esteem and considerable self-doubt. You lack self-confidence and doubt that others will find value in you because you don’t in yourself and were taught this growing up.
You have a hard time trusting your ‘gut’ instinct - which is important in life - because your feelings and gut instinct was invalidated by your parent. So how can you trust yourself?
Emotionally Mature Parents
To offer some contrast, being raised by emotionally mature parents, is very different. They are emotionally available to you. They see you and understand and validate your feelings. They don’t take them personally. They don’t try to dissuade you from having them.
They are able to remain objective while building deep connections. They have emotional intelligence - being able to manage their feelings while communicating with you in effective and healthy ways.
They allow you to grow in ways that resonate with whom you are and not whom they want them you to be. They are honest and show empathy. They are present. You feel this. Over time, you understand who you are, what you like, and what’s important to you.
You don’t have to forsake your needs for your parent.
You feel this from your parents. When you are experiencing stress or working through a challenge, they do not rely on their child to take care of them rather they take care of themselves by getting the support they need, look at things realistically and objectively, and process their feelings on their own - outside of you.
They recognize that we all have our strengths and weaknesses and are not afraid to admit their mistakes. They see challenges and mistakes in life as a way to continue to grow. They encourage the same with you as their child.
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Four Types of Emotionally Immature Parents
Each type of parent resides along a continuum, from mild to severe with varying degrees of narcissism. Some parents display characteristics of more than one type. For more information, I encourage you to read her book.
The four types of emotionally immature parents are:
Emotional Parents
Driven Parents
Passive Parents
Rejecting parents
1. Emotional Parents
Like their name indicates, they are run by their feelings. Their feelings drive their actions and behaviors. They might be overwhelming and then abruptly withdraw from you. They need others - you - to stabilize their feelings. Small slights of the world are treated like catastrophic moments. You feel this.
You are either a rescuer or abandoner. Their instability and unpredictability make for a very dynamic and chaotic upbringing because you never know what to expect. They are overwhelmed by anxiety, and you too become riddled by their anxiety and can also become anxious. You never know what to expect.
As they are emotionally falling apart, they are taking you with them. You will experience all their hatred, rage, disappointment, and despair. You feel like you are walking on eggshells. Hint: you are. They have a difficult time tolerating any type of stress. They see life in black and white, holding onto grudges, and use emotional tactics to control you.
Signs of an emotional parent: (among others)
Preoccupied with his or her own needs.
Has low empathy.
Communication is not reciprocal, but focused on them.
Has poor relationship repair skills.
Is reactive, not thoughtful, or self-reflective.
2. Driven Parents.
At first glance, driven parents might appear to be normal. They are getting things done. However, if you were raised by driven parents the irony is you might end up being unmotivated or lacking in self-control. This is because a driven' parent’s mindset is that you have the same goals and approach to life as they do.
They know what’s good for you. They have the answers. They don’t encourage separate paths or goals for you but selectively give praise for what they want to see and push away the rest.
Your parents upbringing was also not emotionally available and in an emotionally deprived environment. They got by going it alone. They are self-made and proud of their independence and have raised you the same way. They continue this unhealthy legacy issue.
You might feel constantly evaluated for how much and what you are doing. They might also coddle you in a way because they feel you cannot do anything right. They were not attuned to your needs but focused on what they felt you should be doing. It’s never ending.
Goal oriented and super busy they seek to perfect everything around them, including you and others. They seek to control and interfere with your life. Because they are so driven, they seldom take the time to hit the pause button and provide empathy and comfort to you.
Signs of a driven parent: (among others)
Has low empathy.
Preoccupied with his or her own needs.
Is reactive and not thoughtful.
Likes to run the show.
Sees him or herself as a fixer.
3. Passive Parents.
They take a ‘hands off’ and laissez-faire approach to dealing with whatever life throws at them. Although comparatively they are less harmful than the other types, this type of parenting still has negative effects. They may allow abuse or neglect by the parent towards you by turning their cheek and ignoring it, and looking the other way. This makes you feel like they are too abusing you but in a different way. They are emotionally neglecting you. They minimize and acquiesce to problems.
They tend to have partners who are more intense but equally emotionally immature. When life becomes challenging or intense, they check out and withdraw. They are more likely to be like an ostrich - stick their head in the sand. They are equally immature and self-absorbed and self-involved as the other types but can often get away with this type of parenting because they come across as being more playful.
They show more empathy - but only if you are not getting in the way of their needs. Because they stick their head in the sand or turn a blind eye, you feel like your parent isn’t available to or for you. You might also grow up to feel truly helpless and passive in their own life’s direction and path.
Signs of a passive parent: (among others)
Is preoccupied with his or her needs.
Has little empathy.
Is either too close and enmeshed or too distant.
Can be fun, but not protective.
Can be at times, emotionally intimate.
4. Rejecting Parents.
They are walled off and prefer to spend time alone. You get the feeling early on that your parent would rather not be around you. You are a bother. Your parent gets annoyed when you ask for something. The child learns not to approach their parent. If you are seeking compassion, understanding, or affection, your parent may become angry at you. They look at you like you are a bother. It’s a terrible feeling.
They have a hands-off approach to you feel bothered by their presence. They don’t enjoy emotional intimacy. You will find them blowing up, demanding or commanding, and isolating from family life. You might wonder why they even have children - why did they have you if they don’t want you around? They prefer to be left alone and do their own thing. They rule the home, and you know and feel that.
You walk on eggshells so as not to upset or bother them. You come to see yourself as a bother to others or irritating so they will give up easily.
Signs of a rejecting parent: (among others)
Is preoccupied with his or her needs.
Has little empathy.
Likes to mock and dismiss.
Is often rejecting and angry.
Isn’t self-reflective.
Final Thoughts on Emotionally Immature Parents
Each type of emotionally immature parent brings their own set of challenges. Some people can identify more than one way their parent was emotionally immature.
Recognizing and becoming aware that you grew up with an emotionally immature parent is the first step to healing childhood wounds that left you feeling lonely, isolated, neglected, and in pain.
There are steps you can start to take right now to free yourself from repeating negative patterns of relating with others, discover your true self - and honor that - and learn more effective and healthier ways to cope.
However, you can learn how to heal and recover from being raised by an emotionally immature parent. Alternatively, you can read my blog on how children cope with being raised by an emotionally immature parent.
If you would like to discuss working together to uncover how being raised by an emotionally immature parent has impacted your personal relationship, just click the button below to book a free 15-minute consultation!
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