5 Practical Steps to Break Old Relationship Patterns for Good
Do you keep finding yourself in the same kind of relationship, just with a different face? Maybe you’ve done the inner work. You’ve journaled, reflected, and even uncovered deep insights about your childhood or past partners. But something still isn’t shifting—and you’re ready for change.
In my previous blog, which you can read here, I discussed 5 important ‘Why’ questions that help you change the way you see your relationships.
Maybe you just don’t know where to start or what to do - all too common.
The truth is, self-awareness is powerful—but it’s not enough on its own. To truly break toxic or unhelpful relationship patterns, you need action steps that help you rewire old emotional habits and create new ways of showing up in love.
Here are five practical steps to help you do just that.
Step 1: Create a Relationship Filter That Actually Works for You
If you’ve been choosing partners based on chemistry alone, it’s time to get clear on something deeper: compatibility, values, and emotional safety.
Start by writing down:
3 non-negotiables (e.g., emotionally available, communicates directly, respects your boundaries).
3 red flags you’ve overlooked in the past (e.g., inconsistent contact, deflecting accountability, love-bombing). Read more about red flags here and how to heal here.
Do a relationship inventory/audit. Read more here about how to do that.
Put this somewhere visible—on your phone, mirror, or journal. Let it be your internal compass the next time someone new comes along.
Quick Tip: If you feel like you're talking yourself into someone, it's usually a sign your filter needs reinforcing.
Step 2: Pause Before You Pursue
Old patterns are often fueled by urgency: the quick spark, the obsessive texting, the over-investment in someone too soon. These are often signs of anxious attachment or trauma reenactment, not genuine connection.
Before responding to someone or making a move, practice a short grounding exercise:
Take 3 slow breaths.
Ask yourself: “Am I reaching out from clarity or fear?” If it’s fear, why am I doing this?
Choose to respond—not react. There is a big difference between responding and reacting. Take a beat. Hit the pause button. Exhale. Here’s a Guide to Overcoming Emotional Dysregulation.
This small pause creates the space you need to choose differently instead of slipping into autopilot.
Step 3: Notice When You're Performing Instead of Connecting
Were you raised to be the caretaker, the achiever, or the one who held everything together? Maybe you became the people pleaser? If so, you may feel pressure to "earn" love through emotional labor or perfection. Read more here about overcoming people pleasing behaviors.
In your next interaction—whether romantic or platonic—ask yourself:
Am I trying to impress, please, or manage their reaction?
What would it look like to just be me, even if it's messy or uncertain?
Challenge yourself to express a need or boundary without apology. That’s where genuine connection begins. Looking to set healthier boundaries?
Want to learn how to get really good at setting boundaries? Check out my Interactive Boundary Workbook on sale now!
Step 4: Track One Behavior You Want to Change
Change starts with noticing. Pick one behavior that keeps you stuck—such as:
Over-functioning in the early stages of dating
Ignoring red flags
Staying too long in unfulfilling relationships
Keep a simple log for a week:
When it happened
What triggered it
What you did instead (or wish you had)
This isn’t about judgment. It’s about building awareness and choice, one moment at a time. Journaling in real time helps you remember things that are too easy to forget with time. Life is full of distractions.
This will help you stop settling in relationships.
Step 5: Build a Circle That Supports Your Growth
You don’t have to do this alone. Share your goal of breaking relationship patterns with one trusted friend or family member, or therapist. Share with them what you’re working on so they can help hold you accountable and celebrate your wins. The small wins add up over time. Don’t forget that!
If you’ve been used to doing emotional work in isolation, connection itself is a powerful form of healing. This will help you become the person you want to be.
Final Thoughts: Change Happens One Brave Step at a Time
Breaking relationship patterns isn't about becoming perfect—it’s about becoming more intentional, more self-compassionate, and more aligned with what you truly want and deserve. Every time you pause, reflect, speak honestly, or choose differently, you're breaking the cycle.
Want help putting these steps into practice? Download the 5-Step Mini Guide to Breaking Relationship Patterns—a printable resource designed to help you track your progress and stay focused on real change.
Looking for more useful tools to make sustainable changes? Check out my interactive workbooks on Codependency, Setting Boundaries, Parentification, and Communication on my Shop page here!
