Understanding Codependency: How to Stop Losing Yourself in Others
Ever catch yourself putting everyone else’s needs before your own — and feeling guilty when you don’t? That’s codependency.
At its core, codependency is when your self-worth, identity, and emotional stability depend too much on someone else. You might feel responsible for fixing other people’s problems, neglect your own needs, or find it hard to say “no.”
While it often shows up in romantic relationships, codependency can exist anywhere — with parents, friends, coworkers, or even adult children.
The good news? You can unlearn these patterns and build a relationship with yourself that’s grounded in self-respect, not self-sacrifice.
Here are 7 Steps to Do That - Now
Step 1: Make a Commitment to Yourself
Becoming less codependent starts with one decision — choosing you. That means taking ownership of your healing instead of hoping others will change.
It’s not about being selfish. It’s about learning to give yourself the same care and attention you’ve always given others.
Try this: Write down one small promise to yourself. Maybe it’s “I’ll spend 10 minutes journaling each night” or “I’ll pause before saying yes.”
The key is follow-through. Each time you keep your word, you build trust with yourself — something codependency erodes over time.
Step 2: Look Back — Without Getting Stuck There
Codependency often starts in childhood. Maybe you had emotionally unavailable parents, or you were the one who kept the peace. Maybe you felt loved only when you were “helpful.”
This isn’t about blaming your parents. It’s about understanding where those patterns began so you can finally release them.
Reflect:
How were emotions handled in your home?
Were you allowed to express needs or taught to suppress them?
Did love feel unconditional — or earned?
How were you raised?
How would you describe your parents/caretakers?
Were you able to be yourself growing up?
Based on your upbringing and how you were raised, what were the factors that contributed to you becoming more codependent?
Noticing these answers helps you separate your story from your identity.
Step 3: Learn to Spot Red Flags
When you’re used to putting others first, red flags can feel familiar — even comfortable. You may overlook toxic behavior because it mirrors old dynamics.
If you constantly justify, minimize, or take responsibility for someone else’s behavior, that’s a sign your boundaries need strengthening.
Try this: Make a list of red flags you’ve ignored in the past — controlling behavior, lack of empathy, constant criticism — and a list of green flags that represent what you actually want.
Next time someone crosses your line, pause. Ask yourself: “Am I choosing comfort or growth?” “Will this help or hinder my growth?”
Step 4: Start Setting Boundaries (Even Small Ones)
Saying no can feel terrifying at first, especially if you were raised to keep the peace. But boundaries aren’t walls — they’re bridges to healthier relationships.
You’ll probably feel guilty or anxious the first few times. That’s normal. It just means you’re stretching a muscle you’ve never used before. You might even backslide a bit.
You may experience some pushback from others that they are unhappy with your boundaries. They will attempt to ‘needle you’ into going back to the person you were before - saying yes to everything, to them, and putting them first.
Try this: Start small. Say “I’ll get back to you” instead of automatically saying yes. This simple pause gives you space to decide if you want to say yes.
Over time, you’ll learn that setting boundaries doesn’t push people away — it helps you show up more authentically.
Step 5: Redefine What a Healthy Relationship Looks Like
When you’re codependent, “love” can start to feel like walking on eggshells, fixing, or earning approval. But that’s not love — that’s survival.
Healthy relationships include mutual respect, open communication, emotional safety, and space for individuality. Both people can say no without fear, express needs without guilt, and take responsibility for their own happiness.
Reflect:
Do my relationships feel balanced?
Am I constantly the giver or fixer?
What would it look like to feel safe and seen?
You can’t rewrite the past, but you can rewrite your patterns.
Step 6: Practice Healthy Selfishness
If you’ve always defined yourself through others, focusing on yourself might feel “wrong” — but it’s actually the healthiest thing you can do.
Healthy selfishness means prioritizing your needs, joy, and peace without apology. It’s permission to rest, set goals, and nurture what makes you feel whole.
Try this: Write down three small ways you can start putting yourself first — even if it’s just taking a walk, reading, or turning your phone off for an hour. You’ll be surprised how quickly small acts of self-care rebuild your confidence.
Step 7: Get Support
Healing codependency is hard to do alone — after all, it’s rooted in relationships. Working with a therapist or coach can help you unpack early family patterns, challenge distorted thinking, and build emotional resilience.
Therapy can also help you:
Set boundaries that stick
Learn to tolerate uncomfortable emotions
Develop a sense of identity separate from others
Create a new vision for your future
Final Thoughts
Healing from codependency isn’t about cutting people out — it’s about finding yourself again. Each time you pause before saying yes, express a need, or choose peace over approval, you’re teaching yourself a new way to love.
You’re not being selfish — you’re learning balance.
If you’re ready to start, my Codependency Workbook offers guided exercises, checklists, and reflection prompts to help you rebuild self-worth, set healthy boundaries, and create relationships rooted in mutual respect.
Start your journey to healthier love today.
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