Why We Self-Sabotage Relationships (and How to Stop)
Self-sabotaging a relationship means getting in your own way — often without realizing it. You might push people away, start unnecessary conflicts, or shut down when things start to feel too close. Underneath, it’s usually about fear — fear of vulnerability, rejection, or not feeling “enough.”
These patterns often trace back to childhood experiences or past heartbreaks that made closeness feel unsafe. But here’s the good news: with self-awareness, vulnerability, and practice, you can unlearn them and build healthier connections.
Who’s Most Likely to Self-Sabotage Relationships
If you relate to any of these, you might recognize the ways fear or insecurity show up when you care about someone.
Low Self-Esteem: If you struggle with self-worth, you may feel undeserving of love. This belief can lead you to doubt your partner, over-please, or push them away before they can leave you.
Fear of Intimacy: Closeness can feel risky if you equate it with getting hurt. You might keep your guard up, withdraw, or find reasons not to let someone in.
Past Trauma or Betrayal: When you’ve been hurt before, self-protection can feel like control — leaving first, staying distant, or assuming love always ends in pain. But this cycle only reinforces the idea that love isn’t safe.
Attachment Issues: Anxious partners often cling or overanalyze; avoidant partners shut down when things get serious. Both styles are rooted in fear — one of abandonment, the other of engulfment.
Trust Issues: If you’ve been betrayed, it’s hard to believe someone’s intentions are genuine. You may test, doubt, or pull away to avoid disappointment.
Perfectionism: If you expect everything (and everyone) to be flawless, you might fixate on small issues or never feel satisfied — pushing people away in the process.
Fear of Losing Independence: If you value autonomy, closeness might feel suffocating. You might pull back or act distant to protect your freedom, but it often leaves you feeling lonely instead.
How many do you say ‘Yes’ to?
This is not a diagnostic tool, but rather an assessment to determine where you stand and can be used in conjunction with therapy or your own personal self-growth journey.
Do you push people away when they get too close?
Do you withdraw or become distant when a relationship starts to deepen emotionally or when intimacy increases?
Do you find yourself finding reasons to avoid spending time together or pushing your partner away when things feel too serious?
Do you create unnecessary conflict?
Do you tend to start arguments or stir up drama when things are going well in the relationship?
Do you find yourself looking for problems or flaws where none exist, often leading to unnecessary tension?
Do you fear rejection or abandonment?
Are you overly anxious about being rejected or abandoned, even when there’s no evidence that this will happen?
Do you have a tendency to self-fulfill this fear by pushing people away or behaving in ways that make it more likely to happen?
Do you avoid vulnerability?
Do you struggle to open up emotionally to your partner, fearing that they will judge or hurt you?
Are you uncomfortable with being vulnerable or showing your true feelings?
Do you sabotage your own happiness?
Do you feel unworthy of love or happiness and find ways to undermine your relationship (e.g., by not allowing yourself to fully trust your partner or accepting love)?
Do you find it difficult to believe that someone could genuinely care about you?
Do you have a tendency to doubt your partner’s feelings or intentions?
Do you often second-guess your partner’s love or commitment, even when they show affection and loyalty?
Do you assume the worst, expecting that your partner will eventually let you down?
Do you react impulsively or out of anger during disagreements?
Do you shut down, lash out, or act defensively during arguments instead of communicating calmly and constructively?
Do you regret how you behave after a conflict but struggle to change your reaction?
Do you push for perfection or expect too much?
Do you hold your partner (or yourself) to unrealistic standards, often leading to disappointment or frustration when those expectations aren’t met?
Do you find yourself constantly looking for flaws or issues, even in a healthy relationship?
Do you avoid commitment or long-term plans?
Do you hesitate to make long-term commitments or plans with your partner, even though you care about them?
Do you find yourself questioning the future of the relationship or avoiding conversations about the future?
Do you tend to repeat unhealthy patterns in relationships?
Do you notice yourself repeating the same behaviors in different relationships, even if they led to negative outcomes in the past?
Are there recurring themes of self-sabotage (e.g., choosing unavailable partners or getting involved in toxic dynamics)?
If you answer "yes" to several questions: This may indicate that you are engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors in your relationships. Self-reflection, therapy, and addressing underlying emotional issues can help break these patterns.
If you answer "no" to most of the questions: This suggests that you may have a healthier relationship with yourself and others, but it’s always helpful to check in with yourself regularly and continue growing emotionally.
Are you self-sabotaging relationships? Let’s chat! Use this link to connect and set up a consultation.
8 Ways to Start Making Changes—Now
1. Acknowledge the Patterns
The first step is awareness. Notice when you pull away, pick fights, or reject closeness. Reflect on your past relationships and ask: What patterns keep repeating? Try journaling your triggers and moments of withdrawal — connecting those dots is key to real change.
2. Understand the Root Causes
Dig deeper into why you self-sabotage. Is it fear of rejection? Abandonment? Feeling unworthy? Many of these fears start in childhood. Naming the original wound helps you begin to heal it. (A great read: The Origins of You.)
3. Challenge Negative Beliefs
Catch thoughts like “I don’t deserve love” or “All relationships fail.” Then ask, Is this a fact or a feeling? Use CBT-style reframes or affirmations to build healthier internal dialogue. Change starts by changing what you believe about yourself.
4. Improve Communication
If you avoid conflict or bottle things up, start practicing honest, low-stakes communication. Share your needs and fears in calm moments, not during arguments. Real connection grows when you express, not suppress.
5. Build Trust Slowly
Let trust unfold in small steps. Allow yourself to be open a little at a time — and notice when your fears don’t come true. Not every relationship ends in betrayal.
6. Practice Self-Compassion
The more you value yourself, the less you’ll sabotage love. Do things that fill you up — hobbies, rest, joy, community. Remind yourself daily: I am enough as I am.
7. Take Responsibility
When you notice yourself repeating an old pattern, pause. Own it. Apologize if needed. Then choose a different response. Accountability builds trust — with your partner and yourself.
8. Seek Support
Therapy can help you uncover root causes and develop new relational skills. You don’t have to do this alone — healing patterns of self-sabotage takes both courage and community.
Final Thoughts
Recognizing how you self-sabotage isn’t about shame — it’s about awareness. Once you see the patterns, you can start replacing them with behaviors that build intimacy, trust, and emotional safety.
When you understand your fears, take responsibility for your actions, and begin to show up differently, you create space for the kind of love you’ve always wanted — one grounded in truth, not fear.
