What Causes Codependency?
Codependency is often rooted in some form of childhood trauma or childhood adverse experiences (ACE). Children take on an inappropriate role in order to survive the trauma, but they end up forsaking their own needs for another person - their parent.
In most of these situations, becoming codependent starts with neglect by a parent who is either over or under protective.
Either way, it creates a no-win situation for a child that creates co-dependency. Despite your upbringing, you can start to make changes to become less codependent.
How Parents Cause Codependency
Parents are not perfect and often have their own internal struggles that they have not worked through. It is common that they will pass on inappropriate and unhealthy behaviors to their children, resulting in codependency. This is not to blame them - we all have struggles, but to help a person understand where their codependency is often rooted.
This is also a reminder that parents have their own first family - first chapter - that also influenced how they were raised.
When this dynamic is established, a child learns early in life that their needs are not important, so they put their needs aside for their parents. Over time, this is how they see themselves—forsaking themselves and their needs for another person.
For example, a child has been put in the role of caretaker or rescuer, which provides them a sense of purpose in life. Unfortunately, this type of upbringing can result in becoming codependent in relationships that are unhealthy.
But what are they supposed to do when they are just a child?
Yet, despite the challenges this type of relationship dynamic creates, if you find this has been your upbringing and you are now codependent, you can learn how to overcome it, work through your challenges, and learn how to become healthier and break the cycle.
What are the signs of codependency:
Feeling responsible for solving other people’s problems.
Feeling you cannot live without the other person.
Feel a compulsive need to stay connected with the person, forgoing self. You have lost a sense of self.
Have a difficult time making decisions. This is often due to being hyper-focused on the other person’s needs and not yours. This happens when you are raised to focus on your parent and not yourself.
You take on the task of fixing someone else’s issues that they should be working on.
Your identity is entwined and enmeshed with the other person.
You have a hard time setting healthy boundaries.
You have difficulty acknowledging your needs or feel you deserve to think about them and put yourself first.
You have controlling behaviors.
You have a fear of rejection.
If you or your partner show any of these signs of co-dependency, click the button below and book a free 15-minute consultation with me to see how we can work together!
The 2 Main Causes of Codependency
There are two main causes of codependency that prevent the healthy development of a child - an over or under protective parent. And in many ways, these ways represent the overarching theme of neglect and trauma. This could also be the result of an active addiction, family strife, divorce, or unresolved mental health issues of a parent.
1. Overprotective parents
An overprotective parent prevents their child from making mistakes, falling down, and learning how to get back up - which builds confidence and self-esteem.
This occurs when the parent is anxious and passes on their anxiety about life onto their child. Or you might have been so coddled that you cannot do even the basic things in life on your own-wash your clothes, cook, iron, or manage your money.
The parents provide too much support, hindering healthy development. They do this by removing all the obstacles and risks in life, rendering the child emotionally, mentally, and psychologically ‘handicapped.’
Unfortunately, doing this prevents the child from experiencing pain, rejection, or failure—all feelings that are important in life to build confidence, resilience, grit, and growth.
These relationships often become boundless and enmeshed, which can be a major red flag. When there is enmeshment, a parent will often overshare with their child inappropriate information around daily decision-making when the child isn’t emotionally able to manage this.
Unfortunately, this creates an overly dependent relationship on the parent while discouraging independence. The child grows up without a healthy level of self-esteem or confidence. They also learn they cannot take care of themselves and need someone to do that for them.
2. Under protective parents
On the other side is a parent who is under protective and extremely ‘hands off.’ This creates codependency by not supporting the child enough. The parent may do this due to an active addiction, always working, or struggling with their own mental health issues.
Yes, it’s important to be independent, but it should be age-appropriate as a child learns (over time) to become increasingly independent. If the child doesn’t receive enough support, they feel lonely and unsafe in an often scary world. They think if their parent or parents cannot protect them, give them guidance and support and keep them safe, then who will?
Often when a child is put in this type of situation, they become too independent, rejecting any help or support from another person. But the feelings of aloneness and not feeling loved and supported, remain.
They also become parentified in a way that puts them in a parental role - emotionally and mentally - that doesn’t coincide with their age. For example, raising young siblings in ways that the parent should be doing, which just compensates for the neglect by the parent.
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How to Overcome Codependency
Codependency in a relationship is extremely unhealthy and can become toxic. This is because the person struggling with codependent issues spends most of their time focusing on the other person, forgoing any sense of the need to take care of themselves.
When one person forsakes all things for another person and lives their life this way and around another person, this always becomes unhealthy.
What would a healthier relationship look like? A relationship that is interdependent, with a healthy balance between dependency and independence. Time together, time apart.
Some of the ways you can begin to overcome your codependency is to:
Learn how to identify your thoughts and feelings.
Practice spending time alone and writing about what is coming up for you.
Lean into the discomfort and recognize it’s there for you to grow.
Practice making small decisions that are good for you.
Learn to set healthy boundaries - one small step at a time.
Give yourself some grace.
Understand your attachment style and how it affects your relationships and how you show up.
Read more on how to overcome your codependency here.
Final Thoughts.
The process of becoming less codependent is not always easy. You should expect ups and downs and many ‘fits and starts.’ It’s all part of growing and changing. No doubt, you have been codependent for a long time - so change doesn’t happen overnight. Give yourself some grace and time.
But by taking teeny tiny steps and one change at a time, there will be a shift. And despite your upbringing and being codependent, there are things you can do to become less codependent.
It all begins with an awareness of how you became codependent, how this affects your relationship with others as well as yourself, and then taking the small steps to change and become less codependent.
Do you feel like you are too codependent in your relationship? I offer free 15-minute consultations to discuss how we can work together to overcome your co-dependency. Book your FREE 15 minute consultation here!
Looking to live more intentionally? Check out my new interactive workbook here!
Embark on a transformative journey with our workbook featuring 40 thought-provoking questions designed to guide you toward a more intentional and purposeful life. Explore your values, clarify your goals, and cultivate greater self-awareness through engaging exercises that empower you to make mindful choices and create a life aligned with your deepest aspirations.
Photo cred: Photo by Timur Weber
