Why People with Abandonment Wounds Struggle with Approval-Seeking
If you constantly look for reassurance, fear disapproval, or feel anxious when someone pulls away, you’re not alone—and it may be more than just a personality trait.
When you feel this way, you might be experiencing a survival pattern rooted in abandonment wounds—those are the the deep, emotional imprints left behind when you were made to feel unwanted, unworthy, or unimportant.
As a result, you may find yourself engaging in approval-seeking behaviors, like people-pleasing and validation-seeking, due to a fear of rejection. Your early experiences most likely taught you that love and connection were conditional. Read more here on people pleasing behaviors.
This was something you no doubt learned, but can be unlearned.
What Are Abandonment Wounds?
Abandonment wounds form when you experience a disruption in safety, consistency, or emotional presence from someone you depended on—especially in childhood. This could be by:
A parent who left you (physically or emotionally).
A caregiver who was present but unavailable.
Chronic criticism, neglect, or emotional invalidation.
Unfortunately and over time, this kind of environment teaches you that love is fragile, connection is conditional, and you must perform or please to be chosen. This is often a challenging place to be.
Why Approval-Seeking Feels So Necessary
When you have abandonment wounds, approval isn’t just about being liked—it’s about feeling safe. So, as you read over these, ask yourself, what comes up for me? Do any of these resonate with me? And if, so why? Why did I land here?
These are important questions to not only ask yourself, but answer.
1. Approval = Belonging
Your nervous system may be wired to believe: “If they like me, they won’t leave me” or "If I’m good enough, maybe they’ll stay." You chase external validation not out of vanity, but out of a deeply rooted fear of being rejected, alone, and abandoned.
This is often due to early emotional abandonment (e.g., inconsistent caregiving, rejection, neglect). You may have learned that being accepted is the only way to avoid being left.
2. Disapproval Feels Like a Threat
The nervous system treats rejection or disapproval as a threat to survival, especially if it mirrors childhood dynamics. This creates people-pleasing, over-apologizing, or conflict avoidance—not because of weakness, but because of early emotional conditioning.
Even mild criticism or neutral feedback can feel devastating—because its a visceral reaction to pain from early emotional abandonment. You may internalize disapproval and think to yourself, “I’m not enough. I’ve done something wrong. They’ll pull away now.”
3. You Never Felt Fully Seen or Accepted
You grew up with love that felt conditional (probably because it was) —based on behavior, performance, or compliance—so you began to believe that you must earn your place in relationships.
Your abandonment wounds often internalized the idea that YOU weren’t enough to be kept, loved, or prioritized. So, seeking approval becomes a way to chase belonging, even if it’s exhausting (as it often is).
It’s a ‘black hole’ that can never be filled - unless you begin your healing process.
4. You Became a Master at Reading the Room
To stay safe, you learned to scan for others’ needs and moods. You were constantly attempting to ‘read the room’ or look for cues that someone might be distressed or moody. This made you feel like you were walking on eggshells.
No doubt this feeling remains.
This made you sensitive, intuitive—and sometimes, hyper-aware of how you're being perceived. It’s challenging for you to relax and just ‘be.’
5. Self-Worth Was Conditional
You learned that love was tied to performance, perfection, or being “easy” to parent. Your parent might say, ‘that you were such an ‘easy’ child and never made a fuss and that they ‘never had to worry about you.’
As a result, you may struggle to feel worthy without external validation. You might have told yourself, “If I upset them, they’ll leave.” “If they’re disappointed in me, I must be bad.”
Signs You Might Be Seeking Approval to Avoid Abandonment
You replay conversations and worry you said the wrong thing (often) and this has become crippling.
You feel crushed by criticism or silence. You take things personally.
You often say “yes” when you want to say “no” and thus have a hard time setting boundaries.
You minimize your needs to avoid “being too much” for fear that asking for anything, will be bad. You find yourself shrinking to be ‘small.’
You attach your worth to how others respond to you. Your self-esteem and self-worth is dependent on other’s reactions to you.
You fear conflict because it feels like rejection. The thought of bringing your needs up is frightening, so you don’t for fear that it will lead to conflict or disappointment.
What You Really Need (Beneath the Coping)
Consistent emotional safety
A space where you feel accepted for who you are—not what you do.Reassurance without conditions
Not because your are needy, but because your nervous system needs reprogramming.Permission to be imperfect and still loved
This helps heal the internal script that says “you have to earn your place.”A chance to practice self-trust
Over time, you learn to self-validate and soothe your fears—even when someone disapproves.
What Healing Looks Like
You don’t have to live your life walking on emotional eggshells. Healing from abandonment means learning that you can disappoint others and still be worthy of love - even if in the moment it doesn’t feel that way.
1. Name the Pattern Without Shame
Compassion is key. You’re not needy—you’re human. And you adapted the best you could with what you had. Often how you adapted as a child was beneficial - as you had to survive.
But as an adult, it no longer serves the same purpose. What to say to yourself now as an adult:
“I’ve noticed that I tend to over-explain myself or seek reassurance when I feel like someone’s pulling away. I used to think it meant I was too needy or insecure. But I can see now—it’s a pattern I developed to feel safe and connected.”
“It doesn’t make me broken. It means I adapted to relationships where emotional safety wasn’t consistent.”
How do you feel when you read that? Would you be able to say that?
2. Practice Self-Validation
Before seeking reassurance from someone else, try asking yourself, “What do I know to be true about me?” Yes, this can be difficult at times, but if you can start to affirm your worth—even when others don’t - this could change so many things for you.
Here is one way to do that:
I just sent a text and didn’t get a reply right away. My first instinct is to worry I did something wrong or that they’re upset with me. I want to reach out again, just to feel okay.”
But before I do, I’m going to hit the pause button and ask myself: ‘What do I know to be true about me?’ In these situations, look for the evidence.
I know I’m thoughtful and communicate with care.
I know I didn’t say anything out of line.
I know their response (or delay) doesn’t define my worth.
“This isn’t easy—but I’m learning to anchor into myself, instead of chasing reassurance from someone else.”
Give yourself the time, patience, and compassion you would a friend.
3. Reparent the Abandoned Parts of You
What did your younger self need to hear? Try this - “I see you. You don’t have to earn love.” You are safe. I’m here for you now.”
Would there be anything you would want to add to this? Picture yourself as a young child, and have a compassionate conversation with him/her, letting that younger self of you realize you did the best you could under the circumstances.
4. Set Boundaries That Prioritize Self-Trust
Not everyone will approve of your boundaries—and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to be liked. It’s to feel aligned.
Setting boundaries is a skill and can be learned, but that being said, it can be challenging. Start small as you learn how to become more comfortable setting boundaries. After all, it’s a process.
Want to learn how to set boundaries? Check out my new interactive workbook to do just here.
5. Build Relationships That Value the Real You
Surround yourself with people who don’t require you to shrink, be small, prove, or perform. Safe relationships allow you to be fully human—messy, growing, and still deeply loved.
One way to start doing that is to recognize the safe people in your life and spend time with them. Ask for their feedback. Recognize how you feel when you are with them and write these thoughts and feelings down as a reminder.
Find a therapist that can help you heal from your abandonment issues and become the person you want to be!
Final Thoughts
Approval-seeking is a coping mechanism. It makes sense. But it doesn’t have to define you. Remember these things:
You are allowed to disappoint someone and not abandon yourself.
You are allowed to be imperfect and still be deeply worthy of love.
You are allowed to let go of the idea that you have to earn your place in someone’s life.
Healing starts when you choose self-trust and self-love over self-sacrifice. This will help you stop chasing acceptance and start coming home to yourself. You don’t need to perform to be lovable. You already are.
Approval-seeking was a coping mechanism. It made sense at the time, but not anymore.
Real belonging starts with being accepted by the one person who matters most—YOU.
