How Resentment Can Grow In A Relationship

Maintaining a happy and healthy relationship involves several factors, but one of the primary ones is communication. Often, when communication is lacking, resentment can grow in a relationship.

It is important to note that resentment does not only occur in an abusive relationship. It may also happen when partners are angry with each other or feel hurt by something the other has said or done. Sometimes, relationship resentment grows, and we don’t know exactly where it started, so let’s talk about it.

It’s important to discuss how resentment grows in relationships but equally important to learn ways in how you can effectively deal with the resentment before your relationship becomes collateral damage.

8 Causes of Resentment in Relationships

1. You feel ignored.

One of the main signs of resentment in a relationship is being ignored by your partner. Although you mind find yourself trying to express your feelings to your partner, but they keep ignoring what you say or turning the conversation back to their own experiences.

This builds resentment. Its critical to be able to talk to your partner when you don’t feel you are being heard but in a way that doesn’t necessarily target them if they already have a habit of feeling that way.

When we feel ignored, we also start to feel like we are not ‘seen’ in the relationship. It’s as though we are not important. This leaves us feeling sad about the state of our relationship.

2. You argue too much.

Too many arguments about the same issues, or new issues, are a primary reason relationship resentment may grow. This often results in having circular conversations that can quickly get derailed and people find themselves going around in circles. This is a very frustrating experience!

When you feel like you are having the same fight repeatedly, this can lead to resentment towards your partner. You may feel like they aren’t listening, or you may also feel like they are listening but not taking any action to fix the problem. Again, healthy communication is key.

Resentment happens when we feel like we're not receiving what we deserve. When you and your partner argue over the same things without resolving, it's easy to feel like your point will never be heard by your partner, and resentment can start to grow because of that. 

Often one partner is hearing what their partner is saying, but isn’t actively listening. Hearing and listening are two different skills that can and must be learned to have a healthy relationship.

Let’s chat about how we can work together to work on your relationship resentment issues and build a healthier connection. Just click the button below for a free 15 minute consultation!

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3. You keep finding faults in your partner.

Resentment in a relationship can grow when the couple starts to focus on their partner's faults, flaws, and mistakes. This leads to negative feelings and makes it more difficult to find things to appreciate about them. It can also be caused by a long-term issue that has not been addressed and remains unresolved.

Sometimes, when there’s been a lot of fighting, one partner may start to hyper-fixate on the moments their partner makes a mistake. This can lead to unnecessary resentment. During these times, it’s very challenging to find anything positive about your partner. So, the tendency is to focus on their negative attributes which only leads to more resentment.

4. You use passive-aggressive behavior.

When one of you is passive-aggressive, it can easily lead to resentment in your relationship. Passive aggressive behavior often comes in the form of sly vocal remarks or body language changes. A person who is passive-aggressive will use silence, sarcasm, subtle digs, and avoidance as a way to communicate - albeit ineffectively.

This is often the result of underlying anger, insecurity, or sadness. They indirectly express negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. This kind of behavior often leads to arguments and frustration from both partners and can very quickly lead to resentment as one or both of you are not being clear and communicating.

5. One of you physically or emotionally withdraws from the relationship.

One of the most common reasons that resentment grows in a relationship is when one partner withholds intimacy or affection. This is often demonstrated in stonewalling or aggressively ignoring your partner when you know they would benefit from communication or connection. You are actively giving your partner the ‘silent treatment’ which is extremely toxic and abusive and creates greater resentment.

When one partner withholds intimacy or affection, it can cause either party to feel inadequate or as though they are not good enough. This feeling can lead to resentment and hurt feelings.

It is important to understand what intimacy means in this context. Intimacy is not just about sex, it is about emotional closeness and mutual support. When someone withholds their support, the other person may feel rejected, which can cause resentment to grow over time.

It's important to note that there are other ways that couples show their love for one another. For example, through acts of kindness and generosity, by listening to each other’s problems without judging them, or by doing something as simple as household chores together.

6. You don’t know how to fix the problem in your relationship

Resentment can grow in a relationship when you feel hopeless about the situation. You may feel that your partner takes you for granted, or that they don't care about your needs. You may feel like they're ignoring your side of an argument or that they are not listening to your concerns.

If you have tried talking with them or giving them space but nothing seems to work, then resentment can set in. This is often due to feeling a lack of ability to fix the problem at hand with your partner.

7. You have unfilled or unspoken expectations.

We all have desires and expectations when we enter a relationship with someone. We want certain things from the other person, and we expect certain things from them as well.

But these expectations - if they are unreasonable or lofty - need to be discussed because if not, you will become resentful and bitter over time. You might resort to like blaming, shaming, or criticizing the other person because of your unspoken, unmet expectations.  And when these negative behaviors come out, they usually make things worse.

8. One of you is always spending time away from each other and the relationship.

Another reason resentment in a relationship may develop is when one person feels as though they are doing all the housework while another person is always away at work or just relaxing.

This can create a situation where one person feels resentful because they must do all of the cleaning, laundry, and other household chores while their partner is out having fun or working late. 

They may also feel like they are doing all the ‘heavy lifting’ or holding the ‘emotional bandwidth’ in the relationship. Resentment in a relationship grows due to feelings of things being unfair.

I provide a free 15-minute consultation for couples who want to see how working together can help both of you work on your relationship resentment issues. Just click the button below to get started!

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Tips to Deal with Resentment in a Relationship

1. Communicate with your partner.

The first thing you should do is talk to your partner about how you feel. Share with them why you feel resentful. Use healthy communication skills so they can begin to understand your feelings.. Both people should lead with honesty, while watching your tone and inflection.

2. Be honest with your partner.

This is a problem you and your partner both need to solve together. Relationship resentment can become a festering problem that's hard to get rid of and can eat away at the happiness between you and your partner. 

Be honest about how their actions make you feel. And this goes both ways. This will help build trust between both parties which is crucial for any successful relationship!

3. Work on solutions to your resentment problems together.

Pick a time that is a good time for both of you and decide what you will talk about beforehand so that each person knows what will be discussed. Limit the amount of time and stick to one topic. Share ways that you can work through these problems together so neither of you becomes resentment towards the other person.

4. Show respect for your partner and their point of view.

This should not be done in anger, spite, or with sarcasm; rather, approach the conversation from a place of love and understanding. Many couples also choose to seek professional counseling to help deal with resentment that has built up in the relationship.

5. Don’t play the blame game.

Playing the blame game will only make things worse. Remember: relationships are about teamwork, not about being right or wrong. It isn’t you vs me, it should be us vs the world. Relationships are about engaging in open and healthy communication.

Whatever the cause is, resentment in a relationship will make both people unhappy. It's important to deal with it as soon as you can so it doesn't destroy your relationship.

Final Thoughts

Resentment can be a destructive force in any relationship romantic, familial, or platonic. It is the feeling of disappointment about a situation that leaves you feeling powerless. It's important to be able to identify the signs of resentment before it has a chance to cause serious damage.

If you are in a relationship with a person who is feeling resentment towards you, try and improve your communication with this person. Be genuine and honest and resolve to face any problems that may arise head-on.

Are you feeling resentful in your relationship? Maybe it’s time that you seek out professional help that can help you and your partner get back on track. Book a free 15 minute consultation here to get started!

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