The Fantasy Bond: How Childhood Wounds Keep You Stuck in Unhealthy Relationships

Have you ever felt deeply connected to someone—but also chronically anxious, lonely, or invisible in the relationship?

If so, you might be caught in something called a fantasy bond—a powerful emotional illusion that can feel like love but is often rooted in pain, fear, and early survival strategies.

Fantasy bonds are hard to recognize, even harder to break, and are especially common for those raised by narcissistic, inconsistent, or emotionally unavailable parents. But understanding this pattern is the first step toward healing—and toward creating relationships that are truly mutual, fulfilling, and real.

What Is a Fantasy Bond?

A fantasy bond is a substitute for real emotional intimacy—a relationship built more on illusion and emotional dependency than authentic connection. The term was coined by psychologist Robert Firestone, who described it as an unconscious defense mechanism formed to reduce the pain of early attachment trauma. Read more here.

In childhood, if love felt conditional, unpredictable, or unsafe, as a child you may have created a fantasy of connection to maintain emotional security. This strategy can carry over into your adulthood, where you become emotionally attached—not to a real relationship—but to what you want it to be. Your fantasy.

Fantasy bonds feel intense, urgent, even soul-deep—but often lack vulnerability, safety, and emotional reciprocity.

How Childhood Wounds Set the Stage

Fantasy bonds usually originate from early relational wounds. So, if you were raised by a narcissistic or emotionally immature parent, you may have learned to:

• Equate love with earning approval.

• Believe that your emotional needs were too much.

• Prioritize caretaking others over expressing your true self and became a people pleaser. Read more here on how to overcome being a people pleaser.

• Feel safest when you’re in control or emotionally guarded.

These early patterns create a blueprint where love equals survival—not connection. As an adult, you may unconsciously recreate this dynamic by bonding with emotionally unavailable people, clinging to idealized versions of relationships, or staying in situations that mirror the emotional chaos of your upbringing.

This sets up a pattern of engaging in toxic relationships only to fill your fantasy.

5 Signs You May Be in a Fantasy Bond

Wondering if this might apply to you?

1. It Feels Emotionally Intense—but Not Emotionally Safe

You might feel obsessed, anxious, or consumed by the relationship—but also chronically unseen or misunderstood. You consistently try to be seen and understood, to no avail.

2. You Cling to the Potential, Not the Reality

You spend more time fantasizing about what the relationship could become than accepting what it actually is.

3. You Fear Losing Them—Even Though You Feel Alone With Them

You may feel constant anxiety about abandonment, yet feel emotionally disconnected when you're actually together.

4. You Over-Function to Keep the Relationship Alive

You take responsibility for the emotional tone of the relationship, constantly giving, fixing, or proving your worth. This is an endless cycle which takes you nowhere yet your frustration, agitation, sadness, and anxiety, grows.

5. You’re More Attached to the Idea of the Relationship Than the Person

You may be idealizing the relationship or using it to avoid emotional emptiness or self-doubt. Maybe you have fallen in love with the potential not the person.

Why Fantasy Bonds Are So Hard to Break

Leaving a fantasy bond often feels like losing a part of yourself—because, in many ways, the bond represents a coping strategy you’ve used for most of your life. You fear feeling lost letting go of the fantasy bond. The thought of doing this leaves you feel scared and unsure how to move forward.

Here’s why it’s so difficult:

• It mimics emotional closeness—even if the actual relationship lacks intimacy.

• It reinforces familiar roles (caretaker, rescuer, over-achiever).

• It activates attachment trauma, making detachment feel like abandonment.

• It often carries a powerful hope that, if you just do enough, they will finally see you, love you, or change.

Letting go of the fantasy bond means letting go of the belief that love has to be painful, earned, or one-sided.

How to Begin Breaking the Pattern

You don’t have to figure it all out at once but here a few ways to get started once you have the awareness.

1. Get Clear on What’s Real vs. Imagined

Write down what you wish the relationship was—and then what it actually is. Be radically honest. What are the facts? This will help you stop having the same type of relationship.

2. Reflect on Your Emotional Blueprint

What did love feel like in your childhood? Was it consistent? Safe? Were your needs met—or were you always the one giving?

Understanding where your template came from helps you separate the past from the present. This is where change can begin.

3. Start Meeting Your Own Needs First

Many people in fantasy bonds are trying to get external validation for wounds that need internal healing. Practice giving yourself what you hoped the other person would give: comfort, love, acceptance.

Learn how to break free from being raised by narcissistic parents here.

4. Build Relationships That Are Reciprocal

Pay attention to who gives back emotionally, who listens, and who respects your boundaries. These are the people who are capable of real connection.

5. Work with a Therapist

Untangling fantasy bonds can be complex and emotional. A therapist can help you understand your patterns, heal attachment wounds, and build your capacity for true intimacy.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Real Love—Not the Illusion of It

Fantasy bonds are not about weakness or failure. They are survival strategies—clever, unconscious ways to cope with emotional pain that once felt unbearable. But as an adult, you get to choose something different. You get to release the fantasy and reach for something real.

Doing the work allows you to start the process of becoming your own person, your true self, with the capacity to have a healthy relationship not only with yourself, but another person.

“Real love won’t require you to prove your worth, suppress your truth, or feel alone in someone else’s presence. Real love feels like home—not a performance.”

Want Clarity? Download the Free Checklist: “Is It Love or a Fantasy Bond? Get a quick, printable guide to help you identify whether your connection is rooted in emotional safety—or emotional survival.