Why People Stay in Toxic Relationships (Even When It Hurts)
If you've ever wondered, "Why am I still here?" — you're not alone. Toxic relationships don’t always start off that way. There might have been moments of charm, connection, even passion. But over time, things shift. You feel drained, confused, and unsure of yourself. They may start to give you the silent treatment.
You might even know this relationship is unhealthy—yet something still keeps you there. You might keep loving this person, despite the evidence to the contrary.
That “something” is often more complicated than people realize. I see this all the time with the people I work with - this ‘gut’ feeling is often ignored, until its too late and a person finds themselves entrenched in a toxic, sometimes abusive unhealthy relationship.
But First: What Is a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship isn’t always loud or explosive. Sometimes it’s subtle: gaslighting, guilt trips, emotional shutdowns, or constant tension. Over time, it chips away at your self-esteem and sense of safety. And while it’s easy to say, “Just leave”—leaving a toxic relationship is rarely that simple.
Here’s why.
11 Powerful Reasons People Stay in Toxic Relationships
1. You accept the love you think you deserve.
If you grew up in chaos or emotional neglect, you may believe that dysfunction is normal. You don’t feel worthy of healthy love—so you settle. I often say, there is ‘comfort in chaos’ and believing that creates a powerful hold on you that you find difficult to let go of.
2. You're scared to be alone.
Loneliness can feel unbearable, especially if you've built your identity around the relationship. Even pain can feel safer than being by yourself. You convince yourself that being alone is worse than being in a toxic relationship. It isn’t.
3. You find comfort in the familiar—even if it hurts.
Toxic dynamics can feel predictable. You know the rules, the patterns. Change, even for the better, feels terrifying. It’s the ‘devil you know, versus the devil you don’t know.’
4. You're still hoping they'll change.
Maybe they apologize after hurting you. Maybe they promise to do better. You hold onto the good moments and hope they’ll come back for good. This is part of the fantasy bond. Read more here on fantasy bonds.
5. You've invested so much already.
This is the “sunk cost fallacy.” You’ve given time, energy, years—even money. Walking away feels like throwing all of that away. The longer you stay, the more this fallacy plays around in your head, deepening your unhealthy conviction to stay despite the hefty costs on you emotionally, mentally, and physically.
6. You feel responsible for fixing them.
You see their wounds. You tell yourself they’re struggling, that it’s not their fault. You become the caretaker, therapist, or fixer—at the expense of your own well-being. You become the people pleaser and might find yourself becoming codependent. Read more on overcoming being a people pleaser here.
7. You grew up around dysfunction.
If your childhood normalized instability, emotional neglect, or chaos, it can feel like this is just how relationships are supposed to be. They are not, but we often ‘live what we learn.’
8. You focus on the “good times.”
Toxic relationships are often unpredictable—and that makes the few highs feel incredibly intense. You cling to those moments and downplay the rest. This can create a trauma bond dynmanic that shows no end in sight.
9. You blame yourself.
They’ve convinced you that you’re too sensitive, too needy, or too emotional. You start to believe that you’re the problem. This is a form of gaslighting.
10. You share children, finances, or a home.
The practical barriers to leaving are real. Shared responsibilities, fear of starting over, or lack of resources can all make it harder to go.
11. You have deep-rooted beliefs about love and relationships.
You believe love is supposed to hurt. That relationships take “hard work.” That leaving means failure. These beliefs keep you stuck—because they were planted in pain. Relationships shouldn’t be hard work nor should they hurt.
Toxic vs. Unhealthy: What’s the Difference?
Unhealthy relationships can improve if both people take accountability and work toward change.
Toxic relationships involve control, manipulation, or emotional harm—and one person often refuses to change or even acknowledge the damage.
Not all unhealthy dynamics are toxic. But every toxic dynamic is harmful.
Final Thoughts: It’s Not Just About Leaving—It’s About Healing
Leaving a toxic relationship doesn’t start with a dramatic goodbye—it starts with clarity.
Ask yourself:
What am I afraid will happen if I leave?
Am I shrinking in this relationship just to keep the peace?
Do I feel small in this relationship?
Why is it hard for me to leave? What are my thoughts and feelings that come up?
What kind of love do I actually want?
You don’t have to figure it all out today. But you do deserve a life where you feel safe, seen, and supported.
Want to Go Deeper?
Download the free self-reflection worksheet: “Why Do I Stay?” Designed to help you break down your emotional barriers, reflect on what’s keeping you stuck, and map your next step toward clarity and healing.
A toxic relationship isn’t always abusive, but an abusive relationship is always toxic.
Interested in living a more intentional and purposeful life? Check out my new interactive workbook that has 57 thought-provoking questions to help guide you here!
This post was updated in 2025 to reflect new insights and clearer guidance.
